What are you responding to?

People can call you many different things, but you are not what people call you. You are what you answer to. They can call you slow, lazy, too old, all washed up. That’s all right. Just don’t answer to it. Answer to “victorious.” Answer to “talented.” Answer to “history maker.”

--Joel Osteen.

I needed to see this very quote today to remind myself that I am what I respond to. 

I have been in 5 relationships in my lifetime. 

I would say 3 of those were amicable. 

2 weren't and they completely scarred the way I view myself even today.

I've mentioned this in a previous post, but the last relationship I was in, S cheated on me repeatedly. 

When I had a nervous breakdown after finding out, his parents told me that I wasn't having a breakdown but that it was the Holy Spirit punishing me for being a sinner. 

Skipping back to when I dated J, I was called the fattest girl he'd ever dated, too ugly, too stupid, and too lazy. He made degrading comments about my body, genitals, and always accused me of flirting with his guy friends if I said hello or God forbid joined in on a conversation with his friends. He'd tell me he loved me when I'd leave, but would treat me just as bad or worse when I'd return. I gave up a job to move closer to him because he didn't think it could work out as a long distance relationship. Then after a year, he told me he couldn't see himself marrying the only girlfriend he'd ever had, so he dumped me. I ended up packing everything I owned and moving to a completely different state where nobody knew me. 

For the longest time, I believed those labels. 

That I wasn't worthy.

That I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough.

I felt like something was wrong with my body. 

I felt like something was wrong with me. 

I even felt like I deserved how I was treated.

I never thought I was good enough to be "chosen" like every other girl.

You see women who can be married 3+ times and they make it seem so easy.

Like love is something that can simply be found, bought, returned, and replaced so easily.

I find that hard to believe. 
I mean...
Whatever happened to marrying your best friend and growing old together? 
Why is that so uncommon these days?

I still struggle separating facts from feelings. 

I still struggle believing that I am good enough and that I am pretty.

Even years after J apologized for  how he treated me, I still feel insecure about myself, especially around the opposite sex.

I still struggle opening up to other people.

I'll even go as far as using every single excuse not to become emotionally involved with anyone because I don't want to be hurt again.

Of course, I want to be married someday.

Of course I want to fall in love, be in love, have it be returned, and be literally swept off my feet.

...but I think it's healthier to heal my heart before entrusting it to someone else. 

I need to let go of these labels from the baggage of crap relationships.

I need to move on instead of living in the past. 

I need to learn to love me before I can love anyone else.