A wound that is denied is a wound that can never be healed
Today started off as any other day...
Me scrambling to get both my son and I ready for church
While I was applying my makeup, my son asked me a few questions that I have been dreading since the day he was born
"Mommy, why does Logan (a boy from school) have a daddy, but I don't? Where is my daddy? Why don't I have him?"
**Added comment**
At the end of the night, I overheard B yelling "Dad! Dad! I brought my tools!"
When I asked him who he was talking to,
he replied "I'm practicing talking to my dad."
To say that my heart sunk is an understatement.
My heart leaped out of my chest, ripped through my rib cage, and punched me in the stomach.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to lie to him
But i didn't want to give him a false hope
I reminded him just as I always have that he DOES have a daddy. He just doesn't live with us.
He's a soldier and a hero.
it's the same phrase I have replayed to him since he first started learning about mommies and daddies at school and in church.
it's like a sad puppet on repeat to fill the void that silence leaves.
Deep down, he knew.
His little 3 year old mind knew because his solemn face sunk into a frown and pout.
"but why isn't he here?"
to be honest...I can't even answer that question
I don't know why Chris Doktor told me while I was pregnant that our son was a mistake and that he wasn't ready to be a dad.
I don't know why his mindset changed when he knocked up and married someone else that same year and suddenly became an amazing dad to 2 other children.
I don't know why my son wasn't good enough to even cross his dad's mind.
I
don't
know
I could blame my mother for injecting this burning thought of "why wasn't I chosen" into my son's brain since she loves stirring up hate in others.
But what if it wasn't her and he's finally realizing the circumstance that he was born into.
He was born out of wedlock to a dad who didn't want him.
It hurts.
It really, gut-wrenchingly hurts.
A few years ago, I rushed into a relationship with a guy hoping to fill that void in my son's life since my family pressured me to marry up and find a dad for B.
I wanted that role to be filled just as much if not more than they did.
Unfortunately, my son started calling him daddy. It was the only man he'd ever known.
That guy ended up filling me up with the false hope of marriage and raising B as his own.
Then that happy train came to a sudden hault when I discovered his 20+ erotic dating profiles (i.e. Ashley Madison, OkCupid, XXXMeetUp, Big booty licious sluts, etc.)
I also found out he had picked up numbers from waitresses and tried hooking up with them
And that he had begun dating someone else while we were still together
I could go on with the sob story, but you get the point
Once again, that wound was ripped wide open
My son was fatherless
Now that I have renounced dating (for now) and am cautious who I bring into his life, I've tried to keep him busy with attending church and sporting events, playing soccer, enrolling him into baseball, biking the mountains, kayaking rivers, fishing, and exploring Tennessee as opportunities arise.
No matter how hard I try to teach him to be strong, independent, helpful, loving, comforting, as well as how to throw a ball...I can't fill that role he needs.
As a woman, this society has programmed us to be the weaker sex.
We are to be submissive
save ourselves for marriage
and play out our roles as guardians of the household, birther of children, nanny, maid, etc.
To be beautiful is to be meek, quiet, and in waiting for our husbands.
I'm sorry, but that just isn't me.
Why?
Because what happens after all that doesn't work out?
What happens when we lose our husbands, source of income, and households?
How do we defend ourselves?
I've been a part of a single mom's bible study group for roughly a year and a half now
I'm an apprentice leader now and have been leading the study for about 4 weeks
While attending to the "Group Connection" tables promoting our small group during break out time
you would not believe how many MARRIED woman tried seeking more information into joining our group because they felt like single moms
They attended church with their children sans their husbands
raised their household sans husband as he traveled for business or coaching
they felt alone and needed that filled.
we sadly had to guide them over to the MARRIED women's groups, but the persistence continued long after we cleaned up our booths
We as women are hurting
Whether as single women or as married ones...
Our wounds are left wide open, but we hide them behind our makeup, pristine nails, perfectly coiffed hair, pressed dresses, and smiles.
it was striking to hear how my pain of being a single mother was echoed in the lives of married mothers
when I realized that, the glitz and glam of marriage began to fade away and I realized that I need to heal that wound of abandonment before seeking a relationship
As I wonder the deepest desires of my heart, the list grows longer and longer
More than just the appearance of my future somebody
I want someone who craves and longs to serve the church...my church.
to be active in one of the several ministries (missions, kids, groups, celebrate, infuse, high school, etc), small groups, and in reaching others who are hurting or who have been hurt to share how my pain has been transformed by the grace of Jesus.
Just as psalm 30:5 claims "Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning"
I know this season of singlehood is only temporary because God didn't intend for us to live this life alone, but I want to make sure that I don't rush to fill the void and role of father in my son's life
I want a Godly man
a spiritual man
a man that isn't afraid to lift his arms in worship for God
a man that isn't afraid to cry in times of grief, as well as joy
a man that loves me, but loves our heavenly father even more
a man who can't help but spend as much time at church as possible each week to be filled with the spirit and in truth
a man who will love and accept my son as his own
AND most importantly, a man who won't make me feel alone when we are together.
But before I even worry about looking for a man like that, I want to make sure that my wounds of abandonment are fully healed.
I have taken on the #puritychallenge and even purchased a ring for my ring finger to symbolize my commitment to God and to the challenge
I want to wait for Mr. Right rather than Mr. Right Now.
I want to be healed before jumping into someone else's life
and so I pray that while I continue this journey that God will plant a man along this path.
I don't want someone who will distract me, but will rather encourage me and walk with me and grow in faith and transformation.
Me scrambling to get both my son and I ready for church
While I was applying my makeup, my son asked me a few questions that I have been dreading since the day he was born
"Mommy, why does Logan (a boy from school) have a daddy, but I don't? Where is my daddy? Why don't I have him?"
**Added comment**
At the end of the night, I overheard B yelling "Dad! Dad! I brought my tools!"
When I asked him who he was talking to,
he replied "I'm practicing talking to my dad."
To say that my heart sunk is an understatement.
My heart leaped out of my chest, ripped through my rib cage, and punched me in the stomach.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to lie to him
But i didn't want to give him a false hope
I reminded him just as I always have that he DOES have a daddy. He just doesn't live with us.
He's a soldier and a hero.
it's the same phrase I have replayed to him since he first started learning about mommies and daddies at school and in church.
it's like a sad puppet on repeat to fill the void that silence leaves.
Deep down, he knew.
His little 3 year old mind knew because his solemn face sunk into a frown and pout.
"but why isn't he here?"
to be honest...I can't even answer that question
I don't know why Chris Doktor told me while I was pregnant that our son was a mistake and that he wasn't ready to be a dad.
I don't know why his mindset changed when he knocked up and married someone else that same year and suddenly became an amazing dad to 2 other children.
I don't know why my son wasn't good enough to even cross his dad's mind.
I
don't
know
I could blame my mother for injecting this burning thought of "why wasn't I chosen" into my son's brain since she loves stirring up hate in others.
But what if it wasn't her and he's finally realizing the circumstance that he was born into.
He was born out of wedlock to a dad who didn't want him.
It hurts.
It really, gut-wrenchingly hurts.
A few years ago, I rushed into a relationship with a guy hoping to fill that void in my son's life since my family pressured me to marry up and find a dad for B.
I wanted that role to be filled just as much if not more than they did.
Unfortunately, my son started calling him daddy. It was the only man he'd ever known.
That guy ended up filling me up with the false hope of marriage and raising B as his own.
Then that happy train came to a sudden hault when I discovered his 20+ erotic dating profiles (i.e. Ashley Madison, OkCupid, XXXMeetUp, Big booty licious sluts, etc.)
I also found out he had picked up numbers from waitresses and tried hooking up with them
And that he had begun dating someone else while we were still together
I could go on with the sob story, but you get the point
Once again, that wound was ripped wide open
My son was fatherless
Now that I have renounced dating (for now) and am cautious who I bring into his life, I've tried to keep him busy with attending church and sporting events, playing soccer, enrolling him into baseball, biking the mountains, kayaking rivers, fishing, and exploring Tennessee as opportunities arise.
No matter how hard I try to teach him to be strong, independent, helpful, loving, comforting, as well as how to throw a ball...I can't fill that role he needs.
As a woman, this society has programmed us to be the weaker sex.
We are to be submissive
save ourselves for marriage
and play out our roles as guardians of the household, birther of children, nanny, maid, etc.
To be beautiful is to be meek, quiet, and in waiting for our husbands.
I'm sorry, but that just isn't me.
Why?
Because what happens after all that doesn't work out?
What happens when we lose our husbands, source of income, and households?
How do we defend ourselves?
I've been a part of a single mom's bible study group for roughly a year and a half now
I'm an apprentice leader now and have been leading the study for about 4 weeks
While attending to the "Group Connection" tables promoting our small group during break out time
you would not believe how many MARRIED woman tried seeking more information into joining our group because they felt like single moms
They attended church with their children sans their husbands
raised their household sans husband as he traveled for business or coaching
they felt alone and needed that filled.
we sadly had to guide them over to the MARRIED women's groups, but the persistence continued long after we cleaned up our booths
We as women are hurting
Whether as single women or as married ones...
Our wounds are left wide open, but we hide them behind our makeup, pristine nails, perfectly coiffed hair, pressed dresses, and smiles.
it was striking to hear how my pain of being a single mother was echoed in the lives of married mothers
when I realized that, the glitz and glam of marriage began to fade away and I realized that I need to heal that wound of abandonment before seeking a relationship
As I wonder the deepest desires of my heart, the list grows longer and longer
More than just the appearance of my future somebody
I want someone who craves and longs to serve the church...my church.
to be active in one of the several ministries (missions, kids, groups, celebrate, infuse, high school, etc), small groups, and in reaching others who are hurting or who have been hurt to share how my pain has been transformed by the grace of Jesus.
Just as psalm 30:5 claims "Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning"
I know this season of singlehood is only temporary because God didn't intend for us to live this life alone, but I want to make sure that I don't rush to fill the void and role of father in my son's life
I want a Godly man
a spiritual man
a man that isn't afraid to lift his arms in worship for God
a man that isn't afraid to cry in times of grief, as well as joy
a man that loves me, but loves our heavenly father even more
a man who can't help but spend as much time at church as possible each week to be filled with the spirit and in truth
a man who will love and accept my son as his own
AND most importantly, a man who won't make me feel alone when we are together.
But before I even worry about looking for a man like that, I want to make sure that my wounds of abandonment are fully healed.
I have taken on the #puritychallenge and even purchased a ring for my ring finger to symbolize my commitment to God and to the challenge
I want to wait for Mr. Right rather than Mr. Right Now.
I want to be healed before jumping into someone else's life
and so I pray that while I continue this journey that God will plant a man along this path.
I don't want someone who will distract me, but will rather encourage me and walk with me and grow in faith and transformation.
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