"I have a daddy"

With Father's Day coming up, all the hype surrounding the holiday has been getting Bryson asking questions about his father.

Just yesterday while on the playground at church, Bryson stopped a kid I was talking to and said "HEY. GUESS WHAT. I HAVE A DADDY AND HE'S A HERO."

As I had mentioned in my last post, the only knowledge that Bryson has of his father is that he was a soldier and he's a hero.

Lately, Bryson has been repeating that small phrase over and over again.

I can only assume that this is God softening my heart and removing the bitterness I have of Bryson's father, Chris Doktor.

Now I'm not going to talk ad nauseum how I hate Chris for abandoning me at 3 months pregnant.

But I am going to say that we were not in love and were not married at the time we conceived.

These are facts not opinions.

Thinking back, I can definitely see the emotional maturity of this circumstance as Bryson gets older and becomes more aware.

The emotions I had while pregnant included: fear, anxiety, panic, and deep rooted sadness from abandonment because I would be raising B alone.

After Bryson was born, he looked exactly like me and I loved him more than anything in this world.

However, as his black hair fell out, turned to blonde, and his gray eyes turned blue...

I began to have trouble bonding with him as he looked more and more like his father.

I'd see Bryson and immediately think of his father

hatred grew in my heart

bitterness grew in my heart

and I would often cry myself to sleep

While dating, I had a fear of repeated abandoment and often transferred that hatred onto the next suitor.

It's obvious that I shouldn't have dated at all while Bryson was little, but I was lonely and admittedly desperate for affection and comfort.

Flash forward to the present,
I'm planted in a great church, small group, and community
Have a routine with Bryson for his sports, school, church, and activities
But I still wish more than anything that his father could see the love Bryson  has for a man he doesn't even know and has never seen.

Just the pride in his eyes when he tells random people "I have a daddy and he's a hero."
Or how he claims he wants to grow up and be a soldier like his daddy because he's a hero

It hurts, but I guess it hurts in a good way
Because that hatred I used to feel just at the thought of Chris is turning into I guess grace

Chris abandoned us because he wasn't ready to be a dad
Now he is. From what I can see from snooping Facebook, he's an amazing dad.
I shouldn't hold that against him

In fact, I don't have the right to hold anything against anyone
Why?
Because I'm not perfect either.

I think I've completely gotten off track with this, but my point is
The bitterness I once had for Bryson's dad is transforming each time Bryson proudly proclaims that his daddy is a hero
Grace is softening my heart as I realize that I don't have a right to hold a grudge
In fact, I'll never receive healing until I let go of that grudge and bitterness
Without Chris, I wouldn't have an amazing son named Bryson
so for that, I thank you
God gave me an amazing little boy because of you
It doesn't matter whether or not you decide to ever meet your first born
What matters is that I am not passing down hatred to my son.
He respects you beyond his own comprehension and he's never even met you
So Happy Father's Day, Chris