Why can't they see me?
After every failed relationship,
I've noticed that my personality changes based on how much of myself I showed to the person that I dated.
If I laughed too much, I didn't laugh as much with the next guy.
If I shared too much, I let the next guy do all the talking.
If any comments were made regarding my clothes, appearance, or body, I opted not to go out as much the second time around.
After each breakup, I worked on improving my personality and persona.
When Bryson's dad left out of the picture, I focused on getting a new job and life in Tennessee and working on my Master's degree.
After the porn addict left out of my life, I focused on finding a new church, planting myself into a solid church and bible study group....essentially having a safety net within a church community.
I also started running to knock out my frustrations by running away...and running back. Exercise.
I learned to cook, apply makeup, match when dressing myself, I finally felt like I had it all together.
I had worked on forgiving people in my past to avoid transferring those negative feelings into current and future relationships.
By the time the most recent relationship began, I was running daily, teaching full-time still, attending church 3 times a week, had a solid routine with my son to open up a few kid-free nights during the week, and pursuing my doctorate degree.
I opened up about how devastating my last relationship was and why I was hesitant to date again.
I set out to just stay friends with him.
He wanted a relationship.
He wanted only me.
He wanted the titles.
He didn't want anyone else but me.
I was chosen. He chose me.
So I let my guard down.
I cooked for him because the fastest way to win a guy's heart is to cook for him, right?
I worked out before each hangout with him, so he'd know that I took care of my self.
I eventually started actually straightening my hair and wearing makeup around him for our date nights to really WOW him.
When we'd snuggle on the couch, I'd caress his face and arms.
When we'd snuggle in bed, I opened up myself to him and shared my deepest secrets with him, so he'd know me...all of me.
I shared things that even my family doesn't know because I trusted him.
Only to have him give up just when (to me, things were going great) because of our differing religious beliefs even though it wasn't even a big deal to me...but it was to him...months later.
Over the course of each breakup, I've hidden myself more and more.
I've hidden behind my workout routine
I've hidden behind my education
I've hidden behind my fake laughs
I've hidden behind going above and beyond my expectations at work.
I've hidden behind my dedication to all the ministries I'm a part of at church.
I've hidden behind angry silences
I've hidden my truest self only to show the personality that I think others truly want to see, what others wanted...just to feel safe.
I've put on a fake front to avoid risk of rejection or being made fun of.
After each breakup, I've continued to improve myself...to try harder...to do better.
But my question is, why am I the only one trying?
What is so wrong with me that I have to fix all that is...me?
Why are guys afraid of me?
Why are guys scared off by all that is me?
When did times change to make girls be the pursuers and guys be the only ones receiving in a relationship?
When did women become so subservient that they've belittled themselves to solely be trophies?
I want to be pursued.
I want my man to point me out across the room to his friends and say "That's her."
I want to be loved.
I want to be chased...found...sought after.
I want to be scooped up in a long embrace.
I want to be more than just a trophy that's acquired and afterwards, ignored.
Why do guys work so hard to get the girl only to change the moment they've won?
Is it because they get too comfortable?
Or because the roles change?
Why do the girls become the pursuer and doer to keep the guy in their lives out of desperation to be loved?
Why is it too much to expect attention, affection, honesty, and the continual pursuit in a relationship?
Is it because I expect too much?
I see it all the time even in marriages.
People get too comfortable.
they stop working out and trying so hard to impress the other person because they've already won.
So they get fat. They get lazy. They stop talking/communicating.
So they lose the attraction....they get comfortable...they become roommates or business partners (if children are involved.)
I don't want that.
I want the pursuit to continue.
I want to continue working to impress the other person and vice versa
I want someone to be on my level, if that makes sense?
I want to get lost in conversation
I want someone who wants all of me just for themselves
I want someone that is my best friend and lover all in one.
So my question is, what is wrong with me?
Am I asking for too much?
or is it simply that....
It is me...I am simply too much?
As a single mom, I feel more and more as an outcast.
Why is she not married?
Where is that boy's father?
What's wrong with her?
My mother has gone as far as asking if there's something wrong with my vagina.
She also mentioned that my make-up free face is why I have no boyfriend.
Harsh, I know.
She snagged up 5 marriages while being a single parent.
She makes it seem so easy.
But I don't just want to be married for the sake of being married.
I want it to be once and to my one and only.
I want to make it work.
I want to find someone who will fight for me.
I want someone to risk everything not to lose me.
I want to find someone who will love all that is me.
So, I ask again....why can't they see me?
Am I invisible because I'm a single mom?
Am I avoided because my education and work ethic is too intimidating?
Am I that hideous that guys run from me?
Why have I not been chosen?
I've noticed that my personality changes based on how much of myself I showed to the person that I dated.
If I laughed too much, I didn't laugh as much with the next guy.
If I shared too much, I let the next guy do all the talking.
If any comments were made regarding my clothes, appearance, or body, I opted not to go out as much the second time around.
After each breakup, I worked on improving my personality and persona.
When Bryson's dad left out of the picture, I focused on getting a new job and life in Tennessee and working on my Master's degree.
After the porn addict left out of my life, I focused on finding a new church, planting myself into a solid church and bible study group....essentially having a safety net within a church community.
I also started running to knock out my frustrations by running away...and running back. Exercise.
I learned to cook, apply makeup, match when dressing myself, I finally felt like I had it all together.
I had worked on forgiving people in my past to avoid transferring those negative feelings into current and future relationships.
By the time the most recent relationship began, I was running daily, teaching full-time still, attending church 3 times a week, had a solid routine with my son to open up a few kid-free nights during the week, and pursuing my doctorate degree.
I opened up about how devastating my last relationship was and why I was hesitant to date again.
I set out to just stay friends with him.
He wanted a relationship.
He wanted only me.
He wanted the titles.
He didn't want anyone else but me.
I was chosen. He chose me.
So I let my guard down.
I cooked for him because the fastest way to win a guy's heart is to cook for him, right?
I worked out before each hangout with him, so he'd know that I took care of my self.
I eventually started actually straightening my hair and wearing makeup around him for our date nights to really WOW him.
When we'd snuggle on the couch, I'd caress his face and arms.
When we'd snuggle in bed, I opened up myself to him and shared my deepest secrets with him, so he'd know me...all of me.
I shared things that even my family doesn't know because I trusted him.
Only to have him give up just when (to me, things were going great) because of our differing religious beliefs even though it wasn't even a big deal to me...but it was to him...months later.
Over the course of each breakup, I've hidden myself more and more.
I've hidden behind my workout routine
I've hidden behind my education
I've hidden behind my fake laughs
I've hidden behind going above and beyond my expectations at work.
I've hidden behind my dedication to all the ministries I'm a part of at church.
I've hidden behind angry silences
I've hidden my truest self only to show the personality that I think others truly want to see, what others wanted...just to feel safe.
I've put on a fake front to avoid risk of rejection or being made fun of.
After each breakup, I've continued to improve myself...to try harder...to do better.
But my question is, why am I the only one trying?
What is so wrong with me that I have to fix all that is...me?
Why are guys afraid of me?
Why are guys scared off by all that is me?
When did times change to make girls be the pursuers and guys be the only ones receiving in a relationship?
When did women become so subservient that they've belittled themselves to solely be trophies?
I want to be pursued.
I want my man to point me out across the room to his friends and say "That's her."
I want to be loved.
I want to be chased...found...sought after.
I want to be scooped up in a long embrace.
I want to be more than just a trophy that's acquired and afterwards, ignored.
Why do guys work so hard to get the girl only to change the moment they've won?
Is it because they get too comfortable?
Or because the roles change?
Why do the girls become the pursuer and doer to keep the guy in their lives out of desperation to be loved?
Why is it too much to expect attention, affection, honesty, and the continual pursuit in a relationship?
Is it because I expect too much?
I see it all the time even in marriages.
People get too comfortable.
they stop working out and trying so hard to impress the other person because they've already won.
So they get fat. They get lazy. They stop talking/communicating.
So they lose the attraction....they get comfortable...they become roommates or business partners (if children are involved.)
I don't want that.
I want the pursuit to continue.
I want to continue working to impress the other person and vice versa
I want someone to be on my level, if that makes sense?
I want to get lost in conversation
I want someone who wants all of me just for themselves
I want someone that is my best friend and lover all in one.
So my question is, what is wrong with me?
Am I asking for too much?
or is it simply that....
It is me...I am simply too much?
As a single mom, I feel more and more as an outcast.
Why is she not married?
Where is that boy's father?
What's wrong with her?
My mother has gone as far as asking if there's something wrong with my vagina.
She also mentioned that my make-up free face is why I have no boyfriend.
Harsh, I know.
She snagged up 5 marriages while being a single parent.
She makes it seem so easy.
But I don't just want to be married for the sake of being married.
I want it to be once and to my one and only.
I want to make it work.
I want to find someone who will fight for me.
I want someone to risk everything not to lose me.
I want to find someone who will love all that is me.
So, I ask again....why can't they see me?
Am I invisible because I'm a single mom?
Am I avoided because my education and work ethic is too intimidating?
Am I that hideous that guys run from me?
Why have I not been chosen?
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